F*** the Holidays

I used to dread the holidays. On normal days, I used work to create a cycle of busyness and exhaustion to distract me from the uncomfortable feelings of being single or in a “situationship.”

Most holidays, I’d either sign up for extra work shifts, or binge-watch Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings as I ate my way through a dinner party’s worth of Trader Joe’s appetizers.

I used to think how great it would be to have someone special in my life to spend the holidays with. How I’d decorate, cook, get dressed up…but I’d be dreaming of that while wearing my grubbiest pjs, eating alone in a mostly-dark apartment.

I was focusing so much on someone else coming to fill in my life that I forgot to inhabit it myself.

It was like I was in a holding pattern, waiting for someone else to give me a reason to create the world I saw in my head.

But all that changed. I started celebrating holidays. And going all out. Just for me.

This was part of a bigger adventure of coming alive to myself, and I’m so grateful for it. Changing how I treated my solo holidays helped me start celebrating myself and appreciating what I had.

This Thanksgiving, I was sitting with my husband, surrounded by enough food to keep us stuffed for days, in a home I constantly have fun decorating and taking care of.

My heart feels so full, looking at how choosing to do things I love for myself led me to finally having the kind of holiday I dreamed of.

What’s something that makes the holidays special for you? I’d love to know!