Are You An Accessory?
Updated: Oct 16, 2020
We're all about being independent, badass women. Right?
Except for the part where we become accessories.
Before y'all bust out your pitchforks and chase me out of town for saying something rather unpopular, let's talk about it.
I'll start with where I was at: I only felt real when someone loved me. The rest of the time felt like a waste... like I was waiting for life to happen.
Like I was only real when someone took me off the shelf to play with me.
So much of my identity and happiness was wrapped up in how others felt about me. I spent many nights pacing my tiny apartment, anxiously awaiting a reply from my latest emotionally-distant crush. Ughhhh. Sometimes I couldn't eat or focus on anything else.
I thought I was just really into them... but looking back, I now know that this was a trauma response, and that I was consumed with anxiety and not-enough-ness.
Being an accessory doesn't mean you don't have other interests or activities - it just means that we've given up our sense of power and worth, and base it on how others respond to us. Here are a few examples to look out for, and helpful questions to ask yourself, to gently guide yourself out of that pattern:
Waiting for the text
Have you ever felt empty and anxious while waiting for a guy to text you back? You're walking aimlessly around your home, obsessively checking your phone in case you somehow missed your phone's text noise?
You're anxious, bored, and can't stop thinking about it.
Whatever else you're doing, that phone is staying in grabbing range. Just in case.
Question to ask yourself in this moment: "What's something I'd love to do for myself?"
Things to try: baking, crafting, reading a great book, going out with friends, doing something to get you curious
You don't like being alone
Spending time alone feels like a form of torture. You feel bored, lonely, dragging yourself around your home without doing anything...
...Or, you bury yourself in busywork, Netflix blaring, trying to fill the space.
Why is it that we so want someone else to love being alone with us, when we don't love being alone with us?
Question to ask yourself in this moment: "How can I get out of my head and enjoy being with me?"
Things to try: Meditation, YouTube yoga or dance class, take a walk, do something physical, decorate or clean your space to make it more inviting for you
You go into serious excitement/relief mode when someone finally asks you out
When someone you're interested in finally texts you back, you feel a flood of alllll the chemicals. You're relieved, excited, and proceed to overanalyze every word. You start thinking hard about what you can say to get them to reply again.
Question to ask yourself in this moment: "How do I want someone to know me? I'm going to pause, and think of something I genuinely want to share."
Things to try: Wait a little bit, do something for yourself FIRST, so the rush of chemical excitement passes. Then, think of a meaningful question you'd really like to ask, or something you're interested in sharing about yourself, and send that.
Why do so many brilliant, deep, funny, smart, creative, capable, amazing women only feel like they're really alive and matter when someone else pays attention to them?
We're trained from birth to value ourselves the most when we are wanted by someone else. Which is heartbreaking. You have a whole universe inside of you, with so much to explore and love about yourself.
But instead, we become anxious to clear ourselves out, and become instantly available to whomever we're interested in. Asked you out on a date when you had plans? Cancel them. Were you looking forward to time to yourself after a busy week? Not anymore. We make them so important... and treat ourselves as an afterthought.
We all feel an innate void in ourselves, and look for someone else to fill it... but all someone else can do is distract you... for a little while. The more you cultivate your own solo interests, hobbies, and fun, the more you fill that void with your radiant self.
Here's the funny thing, too: When you start making time to really enjoy delving into all the different sides of you, you become instantly more attractive to others.
But there's more, too. Your body has stored this energy of neglect, anxiety, and less-than for years... and now, according to Chinese medicine and many energetic practices, those feelings are trapped, stagnant, in different parts of your body. They reinforce the feelings you have, keeping you stuck in the same vicious cycle.
That's where Qigong treatments and other magical practices come in. We can go deep into your physical body, your energy field, and your spirit, to see where these points of stagnation are, and clear them out! This will help you dig up old beliefs and stories, and help you emerge from them fresh, open, and ready for true connection.
Connection where you love who you are, the life you have, and are already full of joy.
Who wouldn't want to be part of that?
When I finally learned to do that for myself, my entire life changed. I learned to love doing my own thing... and eventually, I met someone who was happy to explore with me, while doing his own thing, too. Here we are at our wedding!
If you want to learn more about how I can help you fall in love with yourself and clear old energetic gunk that's holding you back from love, send me an email. I'm here to help! :)